Oh, Gretchen Rubin – I could sing her praises for days. I have gotten many valuable insights learning from her, but one idea resonates with me as few things have. The idea is this – when it comes to self-management, there are two different types of people: moderators and abstainers. This idea changed how I viewed sugar consumption, and it is important to understand.
What is a Moderator?
A moderator is someone for whom the idea of never having a particular thing ever again does not work well for them. Life is easier if they let themselves have a treat every once in a while. They can partake on occasion and stay in control, and that’s how they like it. That is the way they are wired, and that’s okay.
What is an Abstainer?
An abstainer is someone for whom avoiding the rabbit hole of their bad habit/vice/whatever is completely and infinitely easier than trying to partake only occasionally. Doing it even just once can send them on a spiral that is difficult to control. It is so much simpler and so much easier to just “not go there.”
Vera Tarman, MD (you’ll hear more about her in future posts, too) is a doctor that has suffered from and has studied food addiction. A lot is still unknown about the condition, and some argue that food addiction (including sugar) isn’t even real. (I am pretty sure those people don’t suffer from it. My opinion…) She would suggest that those who are food addicts, whether it be to sugar, wheat, etc., abstain from that substance for the best chance of controlling the problem.
Learning this concept changed my life.
Why? Because I realized I had a bunch of moderators telling me that it was “unrealistic” not to eat sugar again. Or that it “wasn’t healthy.” Or that the idea of abstaining from sugar was “depressing.” Well – they are likely correct – for them. Not me.
I realized I was an abstainer. Abstainers are very difficult for moderators to understand. They do see such things as “unrealistic.” I mean, yes – sugar is so ingrained into our society, and my addiction is ingrained, so it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of learning, a lot of practice, and support. No one will be perfect at it right away, but for the abstainer, working to achieve abstinence is the best route for them.
I would argue that moderators are difficult for abstainers to understand. Like seriously – how can people eat just one cookie and be just fine for like a week? To me, that is super difficult.
We are living in a moderator world, but I am an abstainer girl.
So there is a little bit of speculation here, but I would like to dare to suggest that there are more abstainers than the moderators realize. To be clear – moderators when it comes to sugar certainly exist. I am not trying to say that they don’t. What I am trying to say that there are people who think they are moderators that are actually abstainers.
I think if some self-perceived moderators took an informed and honest look at their behavior, they might realize they have been struggling on this moderator train because that’s the one they have been told they belong on.
Let me explain.
The Moderator Voice is Strong
There is a strong “moderator” culture in the diet industry. Yes, some diets cut out complete groups of food, but there is usually a very loud group of critics. Weight Watchers, for example, for as long as I can remember, has been all about literally having your cake and eating it, too. We are told to moderate. We are told cutting something like sugar out for good is unrealistic. The voices of “everything in moderation” are very, very loud.
Before discovering this concept from Gretchen Rubin, and without having the vocabulary, I tried so hard to be a moderator – even after I had gone successfully without sugar for 2 years. I wanted them to be right. For a while, I tried following the line of thought that if I just “planned it” on my meal plan for the day, I could stay in control. Additionally, if I “changed my thinking” about sugar and chose not to believe I was addicted, that I would be able to enter this magical place of self-control.
I tried so hard, but it didn’t work.
When I finally realized moderators were telling me what works for them, and news flash – I was different, I could view that advice for what it was – well-intentioned, but not right for me.
So you don’t want to put yourself into a box?
I want to be clear that if you find that you are an abstainer regarding sugar, for example, that does not mean you must be an abstainer for everything. I enjoy some good French fries, but I can order some occasionally and then go quite some time without eating them again and be okay. I don’t spiral and have to hang onto the Golden Arches for dear life if I have some French fries now and again.
I am a moderator for French fries.
You are probably the same way. There may be some things that it’s just easier to avoid altogether. Maybe it’s easier for you to just not go into a particular store than it is not to spend way too much once you get inside. But – maybe you can go to the casino and not play more than you budgeted for yourself before you went.
It’s neither right nor wrong to be a moderator or an abstainer. It is not a character flaw either way. As humans, we are complicated. The important thing is recognizing where you fall on the spectrum for different behaviors and then take the best approach for you.
What does this all mean for you?
For you true Moderators, when it comes to sugar, you may think my blog is crazy talk. I am okay with that. I hope this article may have provided you a glimpse into this world of the poorly understood abstainer. You are, of course, welcome to stick around, but some of my articles may not resonate well with you. That is completely okay though – you do you.
If you are trying to live by “all things in moderation” but are really struggling with moderating your sugar intake, welcome. If you know you need to “cut back” but are never quite able to, you may want to consider trying abstinence and seeing if that helps. My goal is to provide the resources to help you with that transition.
For you Abstainers – whether you knew the term for it or not, I hope you are finding the support and validation you need here. And trust me – there is a lot more to come…
If there is anything you would like to see here that you think would be helpful, please let me know in the comments below.
